Musings of An Almost-Maybe-Someday-Pastor

Introspection may be the word of my life. I think I am going to start picking a word of the day for the rest of this month and attempting to blog about each. Since I just thought of this idea, I will cheat and start today with this word of my life.

So. Introspection.

I wish I were the kind of person who was defined by action, but I don't think I always am. Yesterday I was given the title "SpazDancer" and that sort of obviously implies action, but I am talking less of the act-like-a-crazy-person-in-public-just-because-I-think-it's-fun kind of action and more of the get-people-together-and-do-things-that-make-a-difference kind of action. I think I can be good at getting people together. I tend to build connections with multiple crowds and can gather people based on activities. In high school a friend called me the "coordinator of fun" (which incidentally does not sound that fun...maybe the word coordinator takes the edge off) and in AmeriCorps I was known as the one to get everyone to play games. I'm a team-builder, an encourager, and a communicator. Yet, most of my getting people together involves social activities, reflection, and not necessarily social action. I think I can tip these scales. I just need to take action. And yet I think first. I want a plan.

So I muse.

I ponder.

I dream of making a difference and have yet to feel that I have actually done so.

As a candidate in the PC(USA), I am moving toward (or at least frozen in a point very close to) being ordained. I think my time in Seminary has drawn me closer to a lifestyle committed to calling myself and others to action. I'm not there yet and I don't always know what is holding me back. Yet, truthfully, while I believe I have gifts that lend themselves to ministry and would be honored to be called to a position, I don't mind if I end up non-ordained as long as I am doing what I believe God wants me to do. So what that is exactly? I have yet to find the answer.

So I continue to think.

And I wonder if I am somehow a pastor in my life in other ways. What does it mean to pastor as a lifestyle and can I acheive that without the job title? What ways do I need to make changes and who can join me in my ponderings? How can I begin taking action quicker and pair my introspection with meaningful movement?

I don't want to give answers to these questions just yet as part of the beauty of questions is the ability to let them be. They don't always call for an answer. They just poke their heads out and say, hey, here I am...look at me. So I look. And I think. And I seek. And hopefully soon, I will act.