Friday, October 26, 2007
Well this isn't really about made-up words, I just realized as I was typing "ego-centrism" that it might be a made-up word. Regardless, that is what this blog is about. And ego-centric, a second cousin of ego-centrism, is a great adjective to desribe ALL my blogs! Why do I write about my life? Am I totally self-righteous? Or is it just a good way to spend time when I'm near a computer and my mind is running a million miles a minute? Ah-- but if the latter is the case, why don't I just write in a private journal? Why publish online? Touche, self. I think I need to start fresh and type about something that might be a bit more interesting than me. And I, for one, think that opens a whole world of possibilities! Let me know if you have any great ideas...and by "you" I mean, the imaginary person I just created who actually reads my blog.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Feeling stupid is something I am not used to. That does not mean I don't do stupid things, because believe me I do-- all the time. Just last night for example, I made my friends show off our "model runway walks" at a wedding to total strangers and I have been unable to construct a coherant sentance for the past three days. I do and say dumb things in social situations almost constantly but while I likely felt stupid in these situations growing up, I have come into myself enough that I no longer worry about this. I don't feel stupid- just neurotic- and that is a whole different thing. In school, good grades (which I equated with knowledge) always came easily. This happened no matter the subject, my interest level or the institution. I craved learning new things and worked hard and I always felt rewarded by my pursuits. Now I read and read and read (except for when I write blogs of course) and feel all the information flying past me with a large whooshing sound. Names and dates and concepts and theologies and geographical areas jumble around my brain, never tying together and making my "I am smart" nerve center extremely defensive and angry. My pride huddles in a corner as it knows that God is trying to catch it and bust it up and wants to see His friend humility instead- but he's been on vacation for a long time and is probably really sunburnt. And instead of working harder, the more I get behind, the more I want to give up...I have brief moments of sheer panic where I think- what am I doing?? I need to give up RIGHT NOW-- and brief moments of complete and utter arrogance when I think that the only reason I'm not succeeding is because I am being attacked in some way. Forget the fact that maybe I have to work hard to get this stuff or that maybe I have a lot to learn or maybe I'm not so smart afterall or that I should definitely get off my computer and get back to reading. And read. And read. And read. Even if it doesnt seem to enter my brain, even if my vocabulary continues to run out my left ear and fall in piles behind me...I need to see study as worship and I need to remember why I'm doing this. Or at least be open to finding out why I'm doing this as I go. I need to rediscover what knowledge is. The closer I get to knowing God the less of myself I become- that is, the self I have created in my insecurities. The"self" that blocks out any shadows of the self that was created long ago and is much more real. I have to become less so He can become more- and that is what I want. But it hurts. Pride, huddled in that corner so stubborn and cold, wants nothing more than to run to avoid the pain. (But with all this reading, I don't have time for running anymore either)