Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Where to go from here

Life is always recreating itself, shifting through phases, bringing out completely new experiences and digging up past struggles or challenges for us to try our hand at once again. I find myself tonight wondering if I am really changing at all or am I just caught up in what's around me, only appearing to change due to my changing environment. When I find myself facing former stuggles I thought I had gotten over, I often realize I'm not over them at all. Maybe I see them from a different angle, in a different light, or maybe I can draw from a new experience or regurgitate some advice I've picked up from others and claimed as my own wisdom, but what is different? Is the inside of me the same with only a different exterior? I know God is the only one who can transform my heart, and I believe he does, but maybe I secretly rage against that transformation, afraid to be too much or afriad to be plain. Maybe it's not so much the extraordinary that frightens me, but the mundane. Maybe I am afraid to allow myself to be confident with the ordinary. But isn't life both ordinary and extraordinary at the same time? I think that is how I am too. How we all are. And I don't want to be afraid of either.